Bite With Extreme Caution

Martha Stewart came to my house today in the form of my child . . . she made dessert. It was very thoughtful of her, and the recipe was quite imaginative.

While Martha was here, she concocted an ice cream cone with melted chocolate chips at the bottom, then added marshmallows. Next she added a chocolate dipped strawberry and poured melted chocolate chips over the top. Finally, she garnished the entire dessert with four marshmallows. I was very happy with her work, and she was equally as happy!

She delivered my cone to me and said, "Be careful where you bite, I didn't take the green thing off of the strawberry because I wouldn't have had anything to hold when I dipped it if I took it off."

Ummm okay, so maybe it wasn't Martha after all, but at least she cleaned up her mess, which is a miracle in itself!

Catch a tiger by the toe . . .

I don't think I'll be receiving the award for Best Sister, or Best Supporting Role this year. Little Sis sent me pictures of the two wedding dresses she has narrowed down to, and after I told her which one I liked the best, which by the way, was different than the one I liked the best yesterday, so I can understand her dilemma in choosing a dress, I'm pretty sure I told her to play Eeny Meeny Miney Moe to pick a dress. Now that I think about it, that probably wasn't the most sensitive thing I could have done. She doesn't seem upset, but it definitely wasn't my best moment as the Big Sister!

Come on Big Sis, Dish the Dirt!!

Just the other day I had the pleasure of speaking with a background investigator for the Santa Clara County Police Department about my little brother. Apparently my brother has decided he doesn't like it when it's hot, so he decided to switch gears from the Fire Department to the Police Department . . . after the weather we've had lately, I can't say I blame him!

I spent over an hour on the phone with this Investigator answering all sorts of questions about my brother and his life. Here's the bad part . . . the little shit has never been in trouble one second of his life!! I know it really is a good thing that he has never been in trouble, but we're talking about ME here, and MY conversation with Mr. Investigator! The guy probably thought, "Oh, let me call the big sister, she'll surely rat out Mr. Perfection!" So, I answered all of the questions . . . .any problems with friends? NO. any problems with family members? NO. any problems in school? NO. any problems with drugs? NO and to top it off, he doesn't even drink! any problems with other cultures? NOPE, lives in a culturally diverse household, and he's bilingual! any problems with people who choose alternative lifestyles? NO. and so on and so on for an hour!! I'm sure the guy was thinking, "Okay woman, we see you want him to get the damn job, but come on, he has to have some problems!!" any problems within the family that may distract him? EUREKA!!!! Now here's a question that I can answer in more than one word!! "Well, our little ***sister has a lot of problems with school (not going) and drugs (taking too many) and her attitude (for crying out loud, don't even get me started!) , bbbbbuuuutttttt, I don't think Dean involves himself in her issues, soooooooo, I guess the answer is NO!!! (but please pretty please give him the job so he can arrest her invincible little ass!)" ***This is not the same sister as Little Sis, just so we're clear!

( I really wanted to post a picture of Mr. Soon-to-be -making-more-money -than-me, but I can't find one at the moment that is easy to post (you all know the hate-hate relationship I have with blogger and picture posting!) so you'll just have to imagine . . . remember the little boy from the movie The Three Amigos? The one with the curly hair? Well , he looks like that, just about 20 years older now.

Anyway, after Mr Investigator finished interrogating me, I had a few questions of my own, because I am oh so nosy!! I asked him how many people he has to contact for each applicant (20-40) and who he contacts. He mentioned that sometimes they go back to Elementary School teachers, which made me think, "What would I say about some of my former students if Mr. Investigator ever called me about them?"

Here are some of my thoughts -I'm going to use real names, so please don't look them up and stalk them :) . . .

Taurean - He'll be great, as long as you let him write his police reports while lying on the ground tossing his pencil up in the air!

Omar - He'll be wonderful as long as he doesn't ever have to comfort anyone as his voice can scare a bear out of the woods!

Joseph - He'll be a great asset as long as you don't get sand in his hair as that may throw him into a tizzy!

Aejonna- Oh, you'll love her, as long as you don't make her do anything boring, as boring things cause her stomach to ache.

Jayme- She'll be fantastic, as long as you let her be in charge of EVERYTHING!

Savannah - She'll be marvelous as long as you have all of the time in the world to wait for her as she does everything in slow motion while breaking her pink eraser into tiny itty bitty pieces!

Oh, I could go on and on . . .all of my past students have something special about them I could conjure up if I needed to!! I just wish them the best of luck in their future endeavors, and I hope they all know that I would help them get the job any day (so I don't have to pay for them to be on welfare!!!) Love you guys!!! And, Dean, I love you too!!

It's hard to believe we were that STUPID once (three weeks ago)!!

I over heard this conversation tonight while I was driving and Charming Child and her friend were in the backseat trying to keep themselves entertained . . .

CC: Hey, remember when we played Double Double at recess last year? Do you want to play now?

Friend: That game was stupid!

CC: Yea, we did some pretty stupid things in Fourth Grade!

I'll take a red taper with my napkin, please!!

Before I return to my regularly scheduled program, I just have to ask, does anyone out there watch 'So You Think You Can Dance?' Ummm, okay I don't either, but apparently the guy in the picture below is pretty darn popular on the show. I don't even remember his name, Dominic, or Dante, I don't know, but he performed at a dance recital we went to and Charming Child and her friends were all too excited to have a picture taken with him ( I think there was even some mention of, "Oh my gosh, I am never going to wash this shirt again!!") So here you have it . . . Mr. Popular Dance Guy, Charming Child, and her friends!!
















Regularly Scheduled Program . . . Mom and Dad went on their annual trip to Alaska a few weeks ago, but when they were booking their trip, it momentarily slipped their minds that they had a new child!! They assumed I would drop everything and stay at their house with their beloved dog for a week . . . nice try Mom and Dad (although I did have to do a few days of duty!) Little Sis, after some begging and pleading on my part, graciously decided to come out to California form Utah during Mom and Dad's thoughtfully and thouroughly planned trip, to dog sit!! She decided to bring along her future sister-in-law, who also happens to be Charming Child's pen pal and partner in crime during Little Sis's wedding . . . we thought it would be the ideal time for the two girls to meet for the first time, so we would know whether or not they could stand each other, and whether or not we needed to place one of them in an new position during the wedding!!

Dog Sitting, Cat Sitting and Fish Sitting, piece of cake, right? After all, Mom left post-it notes ALL OVER THE HOUSE, with instructions . . .

















Okay, seriously, how in the world does Mom know the fish is "ALWAYS HUNGRY"?

Anyway, taking care of Jackson would be a piece of cake, he's just a puppy, how much trouble can he possibly be? Well, Little Sis forgot that he was Mom and Dad's little puppy, which means SPOILED ROTTEN!! Although Little Sis shouldn't complain because her beloved puppy is just as, if not more, spoiled . . . the only difference . . . about 50 pounds!!!

See, Jackson still thinks he weighs as much as he did when he looked like this . . .




















. . . .but, he now looks like this . . .



















. . . and, sometimes like this . . .

. . . and he doesn't realize that when he comes tearing through the living room and up and over the side of the couch, hurling himself at you at full speed, he can cause injuries like this . . .

. . . or when he dances around the damn kitchen because you don't open the treat bag fast enough, he can cause injuries like this . . .

. . . Aside from the injuries, Little Sis and Jackson just didn't see eye to eye . . . Little Sis thought that maybe she should be able to get ready in the bathroom without interruptions, Jackson thought he should be able to stand up to the bathroom sink to get a drink of water like his Mommy and Daddy let him! Little Sis thought that maybe Jackson should not chew things that didn't belong to him, Jackson thought, "if you leave it out, it's fair game!" Little Sis thought she would be nice and take him on a nice jaunt through the neighborhood, Jackson thought he would run full speed through the neighborhood, peeing on every possible tree, and leaving Little Sis's hands blistered from the leash! Most of all, Little Sis thought it would be nice to have a good night's sleep each night, Jackson thought, "As long as there is a stranger in my Mom and Dad's bed, I'm going to stay awake all night, every night until they return!"

I believe my sister uttered the words "Devil Dog" to Mom and Dad upon their arrival!!

Little Sis's trip wasn't all about Dog Sitting . . .we did go on some fun adventures, like to San Francisco and the Jelly Belly Factory. We took close to one million trillion pictures, so here is my favorite . . .
















Here's Little Sis (on the right) showing her excitement for In 'N' Out Burger . . .














We also had a glorious day when Charming Child had an all day rehearsal for her musical, so we decided to do some shopping for Little Sis's upcoming infamous wedding. I will list all that we accomplished because I don't want to wear out my comma key . . .

1) Bought 6 packages of red napkins
2)Bought 6 packages of silver napkins (which she doesn't really like because they kind of look gray, but, "they'll do!")
3)Bought 1 dozen black tapers (which she probably won't use because she doesn't have the right kind of candleholders, but, "they'll come in handy someday!")
4)Bought 1 dozen red tapers (which she probably won't use because she doesn't have the right kind of candleholders, but, "they'll come in handy someday!")
5)Bought 10 billion pounds of special melting chocolate for the chocolate fountain, because they don't have this kind of chocolate anywhere in Utah, (which her fiance promptly left in the car all day after she came home and it melted into a puddle at the bottom of the suitcase!)

Yep, that's it . . . that's all we got accomplished!! How does the saying go . . ."It's the thought that counts!" Atleast we THOUGHT about accomplishing a lot of wedding stuff!!