Thursday, July 26, 2007

Everything You Never Wanted to Know About ME!

Okay, so maybe I won't share EVERYTHING about me . . .I have severe Writer's Block lately, which is proven by the fact that the best thing I could come up with the past few days was biting spiders (that turned out to be fighting teenagers "in love") and attacking ants (who never had the chance to escape the vacuum bag.)

To be quite honest with you, I have been brainstorming, trying to find ways to write a letter to my youngest sister (NOT Little Sis) while using the least amount of cuss words, thus I haven't been able to think about much else!! *** Warning: If a few cuss words escape during this post, don't take it personally. Anyway, I don't want to get into the stupid details of my sister and her stupid choices, but I did send a message to the God of all Myspace pages reporting some "Inappropriate Activity."

Little Sis, the good sister, sent me a little message today about an article she read (while at work) about Americans wasting their time during work hours surfing the internet . . . apparently if I don't write each day, she is not able to waste the allotted 20% of her day, so since I still can't think of anything to write about that even remotely resembles an interesting read, I decided I would tell you about ME! Today is your lucky day . . .

1. I pursued a degree in Counseling because I am very damn nosy! I now, however, realize that I have enough drama and I don't need to get paid to keep track of the drama of others. I think I'll stick with teaching, and besides, kids can dish the drama. FYI Parents: If you don't want the teacher to know, don't say it in front of the children.

2. I love Mixed Berry Skittles, the purple bag, and I always have to eat my Skittles in matching pairs. (I know, you can sleep better now that you know this . . . yada, yada, yada!!)

3. I NEVER take the top lid in a restaurant. I don't want one that the person before me touched!

4. Speaking of being out in public, I never flush a public toilet with my hands . . . I always use my foot (that is if I can't wait until I get home to use the restroom.)

5. I always have to face the front door in any restaurant . . . I must know who is coming and going.

6. I drive with my doors unlocked because I'll be damned if I am going to be stuck in my car should it catch on fire or should I drive into a river!

7. I think the best invention is the Starbucks Drive Thru! A close second are Crayola Color Wonder markers. The worst invention has to be Crayola Color Explosion markers!

8. My favorite color is purple. Well, actually my favorite color is 18 karat gold, but purple is cheaper!

9. I always read the directions on my shampoo bottles and toothpaste tubes. Did you know there are trivia questions on the Herbal Essences bottle?

10. Though I strongly dislike math, I can solve ALMOST any math problem in my head faster than I can find a calculator. (It's all about the base ten method!!)

11. I can open a Starburst with just my mouth. (Yes, I can tie a cherry stem too, now stop!)

12. I am a sucker for nice packaging . . . this is not related to #11 so bring your mind to the surface! Seriously, I will buy almost anything if it is packaged attractively. Umm okay, moving on . . .

13. I love Madonna's 80's music . . . I made it through the wilderness, somehow I made it through, didn't know how lost I was until I found you . . .

14. I hate tanning lotion with bronzer . . . it always streaks my legs . . . and to the perky little tanning salon girl who tried to tell me, "Oh, it couldn't have streaked, it's never done that before," you better hope I don't feel the need to go tanning until I get my letter written because I am saving up all of my cuss words!

15. I really, really, really want to learn how to tap dance!

16. I'm an eyeshadow whore . . . I just can't help myself! I love to buy fun eyeshadow colors . . .which is really fabulous if I would actually wear them, yet everyday I put on the comfort color, Clinique's Double Scoop. Come to think of it, I would have so much more room in my bathroom drawer if I sold my eyeshadow collection on ebay, moreover, I would be able to afford my Clinique!!

17. My sister is goofy and I hope this list helped to satisfy her 20% quota of wasted time!!

Your turn, tell me about you.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Just stopping by . . .

Sometimes I feel I've got to (clap, clap) run away,
I've got to (clap, clap) get away . . .
This song doesn't really have anything to do with my post today (since I really don't know yet what I am going to write about . . . ) but I heard it on the radio yesterday and was reminded of how much I like it. I remember, back when I was a night club girl for a short phase in my life, they used to play some remix version of this song, and I used to get so irritated, because why ruin a good song with record scratching and extra crazy beats?! Oh well, atleast it was fun to dance to, which by the way I don't have an ounce of rhythm in my body, but anything is possible with a "little" bit of alcohol. Did I ever tell you the Goldschlager story? Well, that's a story for another day . . . .
Soooooo, where was I ? Oh, that's right, I have no idea . . . just feel the need to write . . . So what's been going on over here in this crazy house? Hmmmm . . .

. . . Mr. Egypt and I were watching My Super Ex-Girlfriend the other night . . . what a silly movie, especially the shark scene, oh dear . . . when we were interrupted by the shrill and torturous screams of Mr. Too Smart being attacked and carried away by 17 Bazillion biting spiders!!! We ran to his room to try to save him only to find that he was just FIGHTING WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND AGAIN!!!!! Too bad, taking on 17 Bazillion biting spiders would have made a great story! Oh please, I am begging you Mr. Too Smart, move on already!!!

Taking my own advice and moving on . . .

. . . Charming Child woke up this morning to find that all of the ants from the Greater Sacramento area had taken up camp in the formal living room AKA her stage/gymnastics floor. Before I could take care of the ants, she vacuumed them up!! Now, the ants are probably sitting in the vacuum bag, plotting a way to burst through and take over the house! I think I am going now to remove the bag and throw it away, or quite possibly burn it because I hate those little itchy things. I hate the way they just invite themselves in to the house whenever they get tired of being outside, and if it isn't bad enough that they bring themsleves, they bring their entire extended family as well . . . oh, nevermind, you get the point!

Well, I guess the bottom line is, nothing exciting has been going on over here in this small section of the world . . . I just wanted to say "Hi!"

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Teenage Love

Mr. Too Smart has been fighting with his girlfriend over the phone for like three weeks now, seriously!!

This is all I have heard from this boy in forever . . . "I don't trust you. I love you. Don't ever break a promise again. I love you. Your word means nothing to me because you keep lying. I love you. You're being stupid. I love you. Why are you in a bad mood? I love you." and so on and so on and so on!

Okay, I know, been there done that . . . it's hard to walk away from your first "real" relationship, but I am really a few inches away from solving the problem myself by simply banging their two sweet little heads together, hard!

Does anyone have a box to put over my head?

That's all . . .

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Flip-Flop Challenge

I think that children are just the most fascinating individuals . . . I would like to introduce you to one such fascinating individual, meet my friend Ibeebarbie's daughter, Princess . . . This little girl fascinates me for many reasons, join me as I share a few of those reasons . . .

I know what you're thinking, Princess, "I can't believe you are about to tell those stories!"

Don't worry, I won't embarrass you!

First and foremost, she is the ONLY person who can put Charming Child in her place. When Princess says jump, Charming Child does indeed ask, "How high?" If I ask Charming Child to jump, she says, with her infamous attitude, "Why don't you jump?" Charming Child and Princess are just the best of friends when they are together, and I have so much fun watching their interactions. Princess really brings out some of Charming Child's best qualities . . .

Princess always finds humor in every situation . . .

Princess has excellent skills in Dentistry . . . .

She even takes my insurance . . .
She loves to play and have fun . . .
. . . but, when she's finished, don't try to disturb her . . . in other words, she sets clear boundaries which should be obeyed by all!

Last night, Charming Child and I went to eat dinner and drink coffee with Princess and Ibeebarbie, and I must admit, I have added yet another item to my list of things that fascinate me about Princess . . .

. . . she wears her Flip-Flops comfortably on the wrong feet!! I know that may not sound very fascinating, but have you ever tried to do this? It's not easy!! Trust me, we all tried last night . . . Ibeebarbie was able to walk a short distance across the parking lot with her flip-flops flipped, Charming Child was able to walk a few feet before she almost fell down and cracked her head open on the pavement, I was not even able to get my flip-flops to go on the wrong feet!

I challenge you, flip flop your flip-flops and see how far you can get!!

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Little Sis, This One Is For You . . .

Here's to your future . . . Meet Baby Girl Eaton, and . . .

. . . Baby Boy Eaton!!

Want to see what you'll look like when you're older, or what you would look like if you were half chimp? Check it out . . . Face Transformer

Monday, July 16, 2007

Attention All Theatre Directors

Are you looking to cast the next Rapunzel? I CAN'T sing and I CAN'T dance, but I have the hair!!!

I could probably remember the line, "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your long hair." Oh wait, that wouldn't be my line . . . Well, did I mention that I have the hair?!

P.S. I am going to be starting tap lessons soon (because I HAVE lost my mind, before you ask,) so MAYBE in 6 months to 20 years, I MIGHT be able to 'Shuffle, Step'!

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Two Months, But Who's Counting . . . AKA 'Houston, Do We Have A Dress Yet?'

In just two months from today, Little Sis will be getting married, so I am writing today as a subtle reminder to her to PICK OUT A DRESS! Any subliminal messages (did you decide on a dress yet?) she receives while reading this post are merely coincidence (only two months)!! Come to think of it, (which dress are you going to choose?) I have not heard any mention of what Mr. Groom is going to wear (did you pick a dress?) so I hope it has crossed their minds that he should be dressed at the blessed event as well.

So, Little Sis, in TWO MONTHS, the two of you will be joined together forever, and you will look beautiful in your DRESS, and he will look handsome in whatever he wears, which hopefully will be something, and all of the napkins will be put to good use, especially if you spill something on your DRESS, and the candles will come in handy if we happen to lose electricity, because we all want to be able to still see your DRESS, and the chocolate, well in TWO MONTHS and one day, you can spill all of the chocolate all over your DRESS because you won't need to wear it again!! (Have you decided on a dress yet?)
I love you guys!!

Friday, July 13, 2007

Family Fun

I am at a loss for words tonight, so I thought I would share some pictures of Family Fun! I hope you enjoy . . . (Top to Bottom) Charming Child, My Dad, Little Sis, My Mom.

It seems as if I have misplaced the picture of myself sticking my face on pins! Oh well . . .

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Bite With Extreme Caution

Martha Stewart came to my house today in the form of my child . . . she made dessert. It was very thoughtful of her, and the recipe was quite imaginative.

While Martha was here, she concocted an ice cream cone with melted chocolate chips at the bottom, then added marshmallows. Next she added a chocolate dipped strawberry and poured melted chocolate chips over the top. Finally, she garnished the entire dessert with four marshmallows. I was very happy with her work, and she was equally as happy!

She delivered my cone to me and said, "Be careful where you bite, I didn't take the green thing off of the strawberry because I wouldn't have had anything to hold when I dipped it if I took it off."
Ummm okay, so maybe it wasn't Martha after all, but at least she cleaned up her mess, which is a miracle in itself!

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Catch a tiger by the toe . . .

I don't think I'll be receiving the award for Best Sister, or Best Supporting Role this year. Little Sis sent me pictures of the two wedding dresses she has narrowed down to, and after I told her which one I liked the best, which by the way, was different than the one I liked the best yesterday, so I can understand her dilemma in choosing a dress, I'm pretty sure I told her to play Eeny Meeny Miney Moe to pick a dress. Now that I think about it, that probably wasn't the most sensitive thing I could have done. She doesn't seem upset, but it definitely wasn't my best moment as the Big Sister!

Saturday, July 7, 2007

Come on Big Sis, Dish the Dirt!!

Just the other day I had the pleasure of speaking with a background investigator for the Santa Clara County Police Department about my little brother. Apparently my brother has decided he doesn't like it when it's hot, so he decided to switch gears from the Fire Department to the Police Department . . . after the weather we've had lately, I can't say I blame him!

I spent over an hour on the phone with this Investigator answering all sorts of questions about my brother and his life. Here's the bad part . . . the little shit has never been in trouble one second of his life!! I know it really is a good thing that he has never been in trouble, but we're talking about ME here, and MY conversation with Mr. Investigator! The guy probably thought, "Oh, let me call the big sister, she'll surely rat out Mr. Perfection!" So, I answered all of the questions . . . .any problems with friends? NO. any problems with family members? NO. any problems in school? NO. any problems with drugs? NO and to top it off, he doesn't even drink! any problems with other cultures? NOPE, lives in a culturally diverse household, and he's bilingual! any problems with people who choose alternative lifestyles? NO. and so on and so on for an hour!! I'm sure the guy was thinking, "Okay woman, we see you want him to get the damn job, but come on, he has to have some problems!!" any problems within the family that may distract him? EUREKA!!!! Now here's a question that I can answer in more than one word!! "Well, our little ***sister has a lot of problems with school (not going) and drugs (taking too many) and her attitude (for crying out loud, don't even get me started!) , bbbbbuuuutttttt, I don't think Dean involves himself in her issues, soooooooo, I guess the answer is NO!!! (but please pretty please give him the job so he can arrest her invincible little ass!)" ***This is not the same sister as Little Sis, just so we're clear!

( I really wanted to post a picture of Mr. Soon-to-be -making-more-money -than-me, but I can't find one at the moment that is easy to post (you all know the hate-hate relationship I have with blogger and picture posting!) so you'll just have to imagine . . . remember the little boy from the movie The Three Amigos? The one with the curly hair? Well , he looks like that, just about 20 years older now.

Anyway, after Mr Investigator finished interrogating me, I had a few questions of my own, because I am oh so nosy!! I asked him how many people he has to contact for each applicant (20-40) and who he contacts. He mentioned that sometimes they go back to Elementary School teachers, which made me think, "What would I say about some of my former students if Mr. Investigator ever called me about them?"

Here are some of my thoughts -I'm going to use real names, so please don't look them up and stalk them :) . . .

Taurean - He'll be great, as long as you let him write his police reports while lying on the ground tossing his pencil up in the air!

Omar - He'll be wonderful as long as he doesn't ever have to comfort anyone as his voice can scare a bear out of the woods!

Joseph - He'll be a great asset as long as you don't get sand in his hair as that may throw him into a tizzy!

Aejonna- Oh, you'll love her, as long as you don't make her do anything boring, as boring things cause her stomach to ache.

Jayme- She'll be fantastic, as long as you let her be in charge of EVERYTHING!

Savannah - She'll be marvelous as long as you have all of the time in the world to wait for her as she does everything in slow motion while breaking her pink eraser into tiny itty bitty pieces!

Oh, I could go on and on . . .all of my past students have something special about them I could conjure up if I needed to!! I just wish them the best of luck in their future endeavors, and I hope they all know that I would help them get the job any day (so I don't have to pay for them to be on welfare!!!) Love you guys!!! And, Dean, I love you too!!

Friday, July 6, 2007

It's hard to believe we were that STUPID once (three weeks ago)!!

I over heard this conversation tonight while I was driving and Charming Child and her friend were in the backseat trying to keep themselves entertained . . .

CC: Hey, remember when we played Double Double at recess last year? Do you want to play now?

Friend: That game was stupid!

CC: Yea, we did some pretty stupid things in Fourth Grade!

Thursday, July 5, 2007

I'll take a red taper with my napkin, please!!

Before I return to my regularly scheduled program, I just have to ask, does anyone out there watch 'So You Think You Can Dance?' Ummm, okay I don't either, but apparently the guy in the picture below is pretty darn popular on the show. I don't even remember his name, Dominic, or Dante, I don't know, but he performed at a dance recital we went to and Charming Child and her friends were all too excited to have a picture taken with him ( I think there was even some mention of, "Oh my gosh, I am never going to wash this shirt again!!") So here you have it . . . Mr. Popular Dance Guy, Charming Child, and her friends!!

Regularly Scheduled Program . . . Mom and Dad went on their annual trip to Alaska a few weeks ago, but when they were booking their trip, it momentarily slipped their minds that they had a new child!! They assumed I would drop everything and stay at their house with their beloved dog for a week . . . nice try Mom and Dad (although I did have to do a few days of duty!) Little Sis, after some begging and pleading on my part, graciously decided to come out to California form Utah during Mom and Dad's thoughtfully and thouroughly planned trip, to dog sit!! She decided to bring along her future sister-in-law, who also happens to be Charming Child's pen pal and partner in crime during Little Sis's wedding . . . we thought it would be the ideal time for the two girls to meet for the first time, so we would know whether or not they could stand each other, and whether or not we needed to place one of them in an new position during the wedding!!

Dog Sitting, Cat Sitting and Fish Sitting, piece of cake, right? After all, Mom left post-it notes ALL OVER THE HOUSE, with instructions . . .

Okay, seriously, how in the world does Mom know the fish is "ALWAYS HUNGRY"?

Anyway, taking care of Jackson would be a piece of cake, he's just a puppy, how much trouble can he possibly be? Well, Little Sis forgot that he was Mom and Dad's little puppy, which means SPOILED ROTTEN!! Although Little Sis shouldn't complain because her beloved puppy is just as, if not more, spoiled . . . the only difference . . . about 50 pounds!!!

See, Jackson still thinks he weighs as much as he did when he looked like this . . .

. . . .but, he now looks like this . . .

. . . and, sometimes like this . . .

. . . and he doesn't realize that when he comes tearing through the living room and up and over the side of the couch, hurling himself at you at full speed, he can cause injuries like this . . .

. . . or when he dances around the damn kitchen because you don't open the treat bag fast enough, he can cause injuries like this . . .

. . . Aside from the injuries, Little Sis and Jackson just didn't see eye to eye . . . Little Sis thought that maybe she should be able to get ready in the bathroom without interruptions, Jackson thought he should be able to stand up to the bathroom sink to get a drink of water like his Mommy and Daddy let him! Little Sis thought that maybe Jackson should not chew things that didn't belong to him, Jackson thought, "if you leave it out, it's fair game!" Little Sis thought she would be nice and take him on a nice jaunt through the neighborhood, Jackson thought he would run full speed through the neighborhood, peeing on every possible tree, and leaving Little Sis's hands blistered from the leash! Most of all, Little Sis thought it would be nice to have a good night's sleep each night, Jackson thought, "As long as there is a stranger in my Mom and Dad's bed, I'm going to stay awake all night, every night until they return!"

I believe my sister uttered the words "Devil Dog" to Mom and Dad upon their arrival!!

Little Sis's trip wasn't all about Dog Sitting . . .we did go on some fun adventures, like to San Francisco and the Jelly Belly Factory. We took close to one million trillion pictures, so here is my favorite . . .

Here's Little Sis (on the right) showing her excitement for In 'N' Out Burger . . .

We also had a glorious day when Charming Child had an all day rehearsal for her musical, so we decided to do some shopping for Little Sis's upcoming infamous wedding. I will list all that we accomplished because I don't want to wear out my comma key . . .

1) Bought 6 packages of red napkins
2)Bought 6 packages of silver napkins (which she doesn't really like because they kind of look gray, but, "they'll do!")
3)Bought 1 dozen black tapers (which she probably won't use because she doesn't have the right kind of candleholders, but, "they'll come in handy someday!")
4)Bought 1 dozen red tapers (which she probably won't use because she doesn't have the right kind of candleholders, but, "they'll come in handy someday!")
5)Bought 10 billion pounds of special melting chocolate for the chocolate fountain, because they don't have this kind of chocolate anywhere in Utah, (which her fiance promptly left in the car all day after she came home and it melted into a puddle at the bottom of the suitcase!)

Yep, that's it . . . that's all we got accomplished!! How does the saying go . . ."It's the thought that counts!" Atleast we THOUGHT about accomplishing a lot of wedding stuff!!