Tuesday, April 24, 2007

No thank you, I'm not hungry . . . I ate my words for dinner!!

Charming Child is auditioning for a play on Saturday . . . not just a play at the local community center, but a musical being put on by a pretty reputable theatre company. It is a very exciting time for her, to imagine herself up on stage, acting and singing and dancing, all of the things that come so naturally to her . . . I must admit, I am quite excited myself.

For her audition she has to sing a song, of her choice, for one minute, then perform a dance routine, which she will learn the day of the audition. Today we have spent hours and hours trying to find a song that could be cut down to one minute without sounding crazy. I know, we're cutting it a little short, but you see, that's just the way we function . . . better under pressure!!

So, for those of you that know Charming Child aka Miss Thing, you know that she has a bit of a, well let's say, ATTITUDE PROBLEM!!! Those of you that don't know her have most likely gathered that she has this "little" problem from visiting me here. If you do know her and you don't know about this "little" problem, please contact me so we can arrange for you to spend some one-on-one time with her. Those of you that don't know her and haven't thus far gathered that she has this "little" problem, please feel blessed that writing is not a form of therapy for me, or you would hear it ALL!

Okay, so where was I? Oh yes, the song . . . so, we finally found a song (the song that you are joyfully listening to as you read this.) She sings this song so well, and she even has dance moves to go along with it, which I think is great because otherwise she would look like a singing mannequin up on stage . . . so she was just singing along and dancing along, and I (stupid, stupid, stupid) tell her, "Come on, put a little attitude into it!" And, now, I am no longer hungry . . .

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Next time I'll just buy a blender . . .

I have a beautiful, younger sister whom I love and adore, and I’m not just saying that because I know she’ll read this, I really do love her . . . except for the last few weeks when I have loved and adored her slightly less than usual.

You see, Little Sis is getting married soon, which is a stressful time in a young woman’s life anyway, but take the fact that Little Sis cannot make a decision to save her life, and that just takes the level of stress to a whole new level. I’m talking about CANNOT make a decision . . .this is the girl who will go to a restaurant that she frequents, ask the waiter or waitress ten million questions about the menu, then in the end, order the same thing she always orders because she can’t decide!! (Love you, Little Sis!)

Little Sis has graciously given one of her soon-to-be- sister-in-laws and Charming Child (who are both about the same age) a special part in the wedding. She wants them to feel as if they are personally involved in the festivities, she wants them to feel special, but mostly, I think, she wants them to stay out of her hair on the Big Day!! Since she has graciously given the girls this opportunity, I agreed to buy their dresses and accessories as my contribution to the wedding expenses . . . LET THE GAMES BEGIN!!

Little Sis and I have spent the past few weeks scanning the globe, via the internet, for dresses for these girls. We have looked from Antarctica to Australia, North America to Asia, you name it, we have been there! Yes, we found several dresses, finding them wasn’t the problem . . . See paragraph 2! (Love you, Little Sis!)

We found dresses that were “too short,” “too white,” “too red,” “too puffy,” “not fancy enough,” we even found a dress that looked “too much like the inside of a coffin!” At one point she decided it might be easier to dress the girls up in a black garbage bag and tie a red ribbon around their waist, and I have to admit, that idea didn’t seem so bad!!

We finally had it narrowed down to three dresses, so I sent out a poll to all of my friends begging them to vote on their favorite dress in an effort to save my sanity and salvage the sisterly relationship! Then,Little Sis even started disguising her emails to me when she would send me MORE pictures of dresses to look at! Just the other day, after the poll results had been received, tallied, and reported, she sent me an email and in the subject line was “Re:Bathroom Humor” so I opened it up, laughed at the funny bathroom joke, then scrolled down to the bottom, you know the place you go when you are so nosy and you want to see where the email originated and how many continents it had crossed before making it to you . . . and there they were, TWO MORE PICTURES OF DRESSES!!!

So, to make a long story short, well I guess it’s too late for that now, but anyway, the dresses have been ordered! By the grace of God, the dresses HAVE BEEN ORDERED!!!!

I think next time someone else gets married, I’ll just buy them a blender!

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

What Lesson?

I get to pick up Charming Child's Easter pictures today!! Yes, I know Easter was nearly two weeks ago, but if you knew what a feat it is for me to actually have the pictures TAKEN before Easter, you too would be proud of me. On that note, I'm doing quite well lately, because I actually had Christmas pictures taken before Christmas this year too!! Hooray for me!

So, let me explain . . . Each year I make plans to have holiday pictures taken at least for Easter and Christmas, but some years it is a little more difficult for me to actually accomplish this task before the holiday comes and goes. The best year was when I had Easter and Christmas pictures taken on the same day, in April, after both Easter and Christmas!! (Those of you that received these pictures, I guess I have just blown my cover! Well, I guess admittance is the first step . . .)

Before Charming Child's brother, let's just call him "Too Smart for His Own Britches", became all teenager-y and decided he was too cute to have pictures taken with his little sister, his Mom and I used to plan to take the children at least twice a year for pictures together. One year, you know the year of double pictures in one day, we just could not get our schedules to match to where we had time to get Christmas pictures, or Easter pictures, but then it happened . . . we finally had a free afternoon, so we marched both of the happy little children to the portrait studio and had their pictures taken! First in their Christmas clothes, hair in a headband for Charming Child; then, their Easter clothes, hair up in a bow! It worked out great, we were so proud of ourselves for coming up with this solution, although we promised it would be the last time we did this! The pictures turned out beautiful, with not one indication that they were taken on the same day, except that "Too Smart for His Own Britches" had the exact same haircut because he refused to let me shave it a bit so we could make sure everyone knew the pictures were taken on two separate occasions!!

To top it off, when I sent the pictures to Auntie in Egypt, I enclosed the following note:

Dear Auntie,

I am sending the Easter pictures and Christmas pictures of the kids. I am sorry the Christmas pictures are a few months late . . . apparently I put the wrong address on the envelope when I originally sent them and they were returned to me. I hope you enjoy them!

To which she replied by email, "Thank you so much for the pictures! Of course they are beautiful. I know that I can always count on you to make sure I have the latest pictures of the children."

I guess she got that right!!

So, as you can see, it is very exciting for me to know that I had Easter pictures TAKEN before Easter, minus the cranky teenager-y boy who just turned 18 and will probably never allow me to take him to have his picture taken with his sister again, which is why I cherish every picture I do have, late or not!
By the way, for all of you that have been dreadfully worried about my lobsteresque burn, it has turned in to a nice tan with minimal peeling . . . so with that said, I am off to the tanning salon!

Oh, I'm sorry were you trying to say something? Speak up please, I didn't hear you.

Oh yes, I hear you now, but what lesson??

Have a great day!!

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Damn Cat

Charming Child has a cat, Keissa, who, up until today, has been living with a very not-so-nice, psychotic, narcissistic (need I say more?) individual. We were finally able to get an auntie to take Keissa so she could have a better home, as we are not able to have her because Tata (Grandma) has some serious allergy issues.

So, Charming Child and I drove Keissa to meet Auntie M today . . . We told Keissa the whole way there (while she was kitty screaming) what a great life she was going to have with Auntie M, and we would come visit her, blah, blah, blah (yes, we do think we are Dr. Dolittle, don't you have conversations with your pets?)

Charming Child rattles on to Auntie M all of the "rules" for Keissa, Auntie M listens patiently, I think, "Can't we find a Starbucks?", Keissa thinks, "Can I just go home so I can use the litter box?"

Finally, Charming Child says, "You know Auntie, since I haven't been to visit Keissa in awhile, and I'm sorry to say this bad word, but she might only answer to 'Damn Cat', so you might have to retrain her to answer to her real name."

It was then I knew, Keissa was on her way to a far better life . . . Thank You Auntie M, we love you!!

Friday, April 13, 2007

"Your life is just one big joke!"

I probably shouldn't tell you this, I don't want you to think this is going to be some extraordinary, wonderful post, but this post has been almost three days in the making now . . . Ummm, I think lazy would be the word to describe why it has taken so long!

Sooooo, every year around the end of Winter, beginning of Spring, I decide to join a tanning salon so that I don't stick out like a sore thumb in my house full of beautiful, dark olive (is dark olive even a color?) skinned Egyptians . . . actually it doesn't have anything to do with sticking out or not, I just want to be tan, OKAY??!! (I learned that technique from Charming Child . . . whenever you want to make a bold statement, or a meaningless apology, always end your sentence with "OKAY??!!") Well, this year was no exception, I joined the tanning salon sometime in January and have been all of about three times since then . . . I think lazy would be the word to describe why I have only gone three times!

Rewind to Tuesday of this week . . . Charming Child and I get to the gym (no, not where I work out, remember, lazy, but where Charming Child does gymnastics three days a week) and I sit next to my friend who smells so good, like coconut tanning oil . . . you know the kind that if you close your eyes you can almost imagine yourself lying on a beach sipping (or gulping) margaritas . . . so I ask her, "Did you go tanning?" She says, "yes." I think, "No fair, how come she isn't as lazy as me??!!" I then tell myself that I am going to make a concerted effort to go tanning atleast once before the next time I see her (because I'll be damned if she's going to get darker than me, OKAY??!!)

On Wednesday, I am able to slip out of the house without Charming Child (well, I actually didn't have to do much slipping because she just flat out DID NOT want to go grocery shopping. Oh Darn!) So, I drive myself right on over to the tanning salon, listened to the ever so sweet girl at the desk tell me, "oh, we haven't seen you for awhile," and I think, "That's okay because I am going to make up for it today." I go to my room where I have one of those fancy, extra strength stand up beds with the little handles you hold on to and I hop on in . . . EIGHT minutes of pure silence, relaxation, and serious tanning . . . All is well!!

Grocery shopping. Put groceries away. Have a conversation with Charming child about why her reading homework is not finished. TAKE A SHOWER . . . and oh my goodness, not only do I stand out even more in my house full of beautiful, dark olive skinned Egyptians, I resemble the next meal at Red Lobster more than I do a human!!!!!!!

Painful? Uh, yes! Every part of my body aches and burns, even my armpits that have probably never seen sun in my whole life until that day, because remember, I had a fancy stand up bed with handles!!

I'm okay, I will survive, I will take Ibuprofen, I will have a glass of wine, I will survive . . . and then in a few days, I'll be all tan, maybe even darker than my friend, Little Miss Tanny Pants!

Well, I wasn't okay (it hurt like hell), I did survive (but barely), I did take Ibuprofen (didn't help), I did drink a glass of wine (didn't help, but it was good), I am surviving!!!!

So, backing up a bit, after the shower, I went in to say goodnight to Charming Child and I showed her my lobster stomach and legs, she laughed, a lot and very hard, she's cute that way!!

I said, "I am so mad at So and So's Mom." (Which I really wasn't, but it's always easier to blame someone else, right?"
Charming Child said, "Why?"
I replied, "because she came to gym all tan and smelling like coconut tanning oil and it made me want to go tanning and now I look like a lobster and I hurt, while Little Miss Tanny Pants gets to be all cute!"
To which Charming Child replies, while laughing hysterically, "You're life is just one big joke!"

"My life is a big joke?"

"Yes, because you're funny, like a big joke."

"Umm okay, well goodnight, I love you!"

Note to Self:

Dear Self,

While I appreciate the compliment that my life is one big joke, I must explain to Charming Child that others may not be as appreciative at the same compliment.


Friday, April 6, 2007

Just Released

Attention all Parents:

Are you tired of repeating the same things over and over and over again to your children? Are you tired of sounding like a broken record at the expense of your sanity? Well, I am, which is why I have recorded my two most popular speeches . . . Now, for a limited time offer, you can receive my two most popular speeches, "I Don't Know Why People Are Mean" and "Nobody Ever Said Life Is Fair" on compact disc, or audio cassette (for those of you who have a cd player that eats cd's and no one to fix it!) for the low introductory price of $19.99 plus shipping and handling.

Each recording consists of the same speech repeated TEN times, with five minute intervals in between each recording, to allow time for your child to interject all of the reasons why nothing he/she is hearing makes sense!!!!!!!

Order now, supplies are limited.

All proceeds from this sale will be donated to my therapist!

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

The Simplicity of a Child

This is what happens when you run out of radio signals while travelling: a)stop and have satellite radio installed, or b)

Me: Okay, you are in charge of reading the directions. So, we're on I80, what do we do next?
Charming Child: We're on I80, okay let me see, Margie CA 37 to San Rafael.
Me: Margie CA 37?
Charming Child: Yep, that's what I've got here !
Me: Does it say what she looks like?
Charming Child: Let me see . . . NO.
Me: Does it say what do do when we find her?
Charming Child: No.
Me: How are we supposed to know when we've found her?
Charming Child: Found who?
Me: Margie.
Charming Child: Let me look again . . . Mergie CA 37 to San Rafael.
Me: Mergie?
Charming Child: Yep.
Me: (Needing to know what to do as CA 37 is mere miles away, and therefore cannot continue to play this little game) I think it says Merge.
Charming Child: Does M-E-R-G-E spell merge?
Me: Yes
Charming Child: Okay, then merge CA 37 to San Rafael. What does merge mean?
Me: It means to get over
Charming Child: Well, why don't they just put 'get over'?

Note to Mapquest:

Dear Mapquest,

When writing driving directions for trips over 100 miles, whereas you know that it is likely the vehicle will travel out of radio signal range for any recognizable stations and my dad won't fix the cd player because he says he doesn't know how, please use words that a child can understand so the parents can use your directions as a way of entertaining the children.
Thank you for your consideration of this matter.

Charming Child

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Maybe you should check the freezer!

As my dear friend and I finally gave our charming children permission to be excused from the table so that they could grace the entire restaurant with their singing and dancing talents (thus causing the restaurant patrons to lose their appetites and their nerves, I'm sure) we continued to savor every last bite of our buritto bowls from Chipotle, for fear that we may only be able to visit this establishment three times this particular week. My dear friend began to tell me about a workshop she had recently attended. (Within these parentheses is supposed to contain all of the exciting and pertinent information regarding this workshop, however, I don't remember any of it (sorry dear friend) so rather than make it up in an attempt to display my intelligence, I'll just skip ahead to the part that pertains to this post. End parentheses.)

As I was saying . . . Dear friend told me that she had been told that the way to rid yourself of irritations in your life, be it people or behaviors, is to write the particular irritation on a piece of paper and stick it in the freezer . . . Wait, just stick with me, I don't want to hear your excuses for exiting from this post, and besides, Gilmore Girls is a re-run tonight, but nice try!

Well, what a great idea! Why hadn't I thought of that? Dear friend had a few case studies to back up this claim, and everything! So guess what I did? Yes indeed, I took my 'happy- little- about -to- get -rid -of -irritations- self ' home and put my two biggest irritations in the freezer. (By the way, if you're wondering, which I am sure that you are, my irritations were people, but I can't tell you who, unless of course I already did.)

So fast forward to the next day, when out of the blue, after months of no contact, who should call . . . Yes, BIGGEST IRRITATION #1!!!!!

Me: Hello, dear friend, I put the names in the freezer lastnight.
Dear Friend: Oh, that's great.
Me: only, guess who called today, out of the blue, after months of no contact?
Dear Friend: No, you're kidding
Me: Uh, no I am not!
Dear Friend: (Who always has a positive answer to everything) Well, (this person) hadn't been thought of for months, so just give (this person) a chance to really freeze, maybe it will take a few days.

Okay, only I don't have a few days because I want to rid myself of this irritation NOW!!! So, being the elementary school teacher that I am, I decide that I am going to go downstairs, reach my hand up into the out of commission ice maker that I threw the pieces of paper in, retreive the pieces of paper, dip them in water, then toss them back into the out of commission ice maker, because, after all, wet paper will probably freeze more quickly than dry paper!!! (Yes, I do Science tutoring on the side.)

SUCCESS, SUCCESS, SUCCESS . . . wet paper really does freeze faster than dry paper because I have not heard from Irritation # 1 since!!!! And on a side note, contact between Irritation #2 became less and less frequent shortly thereafter as well, and is now nonexistent!

So, I have already told you that Gilmore Girls is a rerun tonight (and if you believed me, you are really gullible, because I really don't know if it is or not, I just set my DVR to record and find out later) so you have some extra time . . . put your irritations in the freezer and in a few days, let me know if you also had SUCCESS!

P.S. Just in case you were wondering . . . when I said I took my 'happy-little-about-to-get-rid-of-irritations-self' home, I did indeed also take my charming child home, although I forgot to mention that, so I thought I would clarify because I don't want CPS after me, as that could ruin my career!

Best of Luck!

Monday, April 2, 2007

Note to Self:


Even though your 'mouse-operating' arm is sore from excessive computer usage and you are afraid you will crumble to the ground in excruciating pain should you try to lift your arm (or turn the pages on your final Shopaholic book) it is not wise to wash down your muscle relaxer with a glass of wine (or two). Please make a note for future reference.



Math My Way

I know this is very profound for my first post, but I can't help it . . . this is dedicated to all of my teacher friends and fellow Geometry buffs, and anyone else who finds this to be funny (or, is it just me?)