Just the other day I had the pleasure of speaking with a background investigator for the Santa Clara County Police Department about my little brother. Apparently my brother has decided he doesn't like it when it's hot, so he decided to switch gears from the Fire Department to the Police Department . . . after the weather we've had lately, I can't say I blame him!
I spent over an hour on the phone with this Investigator answering all sorts of questions about my brother and his life. Here's the bad part . . . the little shit has never been in trouble one second of his life!! I know it really is a good thing that he has never been in trouble, but we're talking about ME here, and MY conversation with Mr. Investigator! The guy probably thought, "Oh, let me call the big sister, she'll surely rat out Mr. Perfection!" So, I answered all of the questions . . . .any problems with friends? NO. any problems with family members? NO. any problems in school? NO. any problems with drugs? NO and to top it off, he doesn't even drink! any problems with other cultures? NOPE, lives in a culturally diverse household, and he's bilingual! any problems with people who choose alternative lifestyles? NO. and so on and so on for an hour!! I'm sure the guy was thinking, "Okay woman, we see you want him to get the damn job, but come on, he has to have some problems!!" any problems within the family that may distract him? EUREKA!!!! Now here's a question that I can answer in more than one word!! "Well, our little ***sister has a lot of problems with school (not going) and drugs (taking too many) and her attitude (for crying out loud, don't even get me started!) , bbbbbuuuutttttt, I don't think Dean involves himself in her issues, soooooooo, I guess the answer is NO!!! (but please pretty please give him the job so he can arrest her invincible little ass!)" ***This is not the same sister as Little Sis, just so we're clear!
( I really wanted to post a picture of Mr. Soon-to-be -making-more-money -than-me, but I can't find one at the moment that is easy to post (you all know the hate-hate relationship I have with blogger and picture posting!) so you'll just have to imagine . . . remember the little boy from the movie The Three Amigos? The one with the curly hair? Well , he looks like that, just about 20 years older now.
Anyway, after Mr Investigator finished interrogating me, I had a few questions of my own, because I am oh so nosy!! I asked him how many people he has to contact for each applicant (20-40) and who he contacts. He mentioned that sometimes they go back to Elementary School teachers, which made me think, "What would I say about some of my former students if Mr. Investigator ever called me about them?"
Here are some of my thoughts -I'm going to use real names, so please don't look them up and stalk them :) . . .
Taurean - He'll be great, as long as you let him write his police reports while lying on the ground tossing his pencil up in the air!
Omar - He'll be wonderful as long as he doesn't ever have to comfort anyone as his voice can scare a bear out of the woods!
Joseph - He'll be a great asset as long as you don't get sand in his hair as that may throw him into a tizzy!
Aejonna- Oh, you'll love her, as long as you don't make her do anything boring, as boring things cause her stomach to ache.
Jayme- She'll be fantastic, as long as you let her be in charge of EVERYTHING!
Savannah - She'll be marvelous as long as you have all of the time in the world to wait for her as she does everything in slow motion while breaking her pink eraser into tiny itty bitty pieces!
Oh, I could go on and on . . .all of my past students have something special about them I could conjure up if I needed to!! I just wish them the best of luck in their future endeavors, and I hope they all know that I would help them get the job any day (so I don't have to pay for them to be on welfare!!!) Love you guys!!! And, Dean, I love you too!!