I probably shouldn't tell you this, I don't want you to think this is going to be some extraordinary, wonderful post, but this post has been almost three days in the making now . . . Ummm, I think lazy would be the word to describe why it has taken so long!
Sooooo, every year around the end of Winter, beginning of Spring, I decide to join a tanning salon so that I don't stick out like a sore thumb in my house full of beautiful, dark olive (is dark olive even a color?) skinned Egyptians . . . actually it doesn't have anything to do with sticking out or not, I just want to be tan, OKAY??!! (I learned that technique from Charming Child . . . whenever you want to make a bold statement, or a meaningless apology, always end your sentence with "OKAY??!!") Well, this year was no exception, I joined the tanning salon sometime in January and have been all of about three times since then . . . I think lazy would be the word to describe why I have only gone three times!
Rewind to Tuesday of this week . . . Charming Child and I get to the gym (no, not where I work out, remember, lazy, but where Charming Child does gymnastics three days a week) and I sit next to my friend who smells so good, like coconut tanning oil . . . you know the kind that if you close your eyes you can almost imagine yourself lying on a beach sipping (or gulping) margaritas . . . so I ask her, "Did you go tanning?" She says, "yes." I think, "No fair, how come she isn't as lazy as me??!!" I then tell myself that I am going to make a concerted effort to go tanning atleast once before the next time I see her (because I'll be damned if she's going to get darker than me, OKAY??!!)
On Wednesday, I am able to slip out of the house without Charming Child (well, I actually didn't have to do much slipping because she just flat out DID NOT want to go grocery shopping. Oh Darn!) So, I drive myself right on over to the tanning salon, listened to the ever so sweet girl at the desk tell me, "oh, we haven't seen you for awhile," and I think, "That's okay because I am going to make up for it today." I go to my room where I have one of those fancy, extra strength stand up beds with the little handles you hold on to and I hop on in . . . EIGHT minutes of pure silence, relaxation, and serious tanning . . . All is well!!
Grocery shopping. Put groceries away. Have a conversation with Charming child about why her reading homework is not finished. TAKE A SHOWER . . . and oh my goodness, not only do I stand out even more in my house full of beautiful, dark olive skinned Egyptians, I resemble the next meal at Red Lobster more than I do a human!!!!!!!
Painful? Uh, yes! Every part of my body aches and burns, even my armpits that have probably never seen sun in my whole life until that day, because remember, I had a fancy stand up bed with handles!!
I'm okay, I will survive, I will take Ibuprofen, I will have a glass of wine, I will survive . . . and then in a few days, I'll be all tan, maybe even darker than my friend, Little Miss Tanny Pants!
Well, I wasn't okay (it hurt like hell), I did survive (but barely), I did take Ibuprofen (didn't help), I did drink a glass of wine (didn't help, but it was good), I am surviving!!!!
So, backing up a bit, after the shower, I went in to say goodnight to Charming Child and I showed her my lobster stomach and legs, she laughed, a lot and very hard, she's cute that way!!
I said, "I am so mad at So and So's Mom." (Which I really wasn't, but it's always easier to blame someone else, right?"
Charming Child said, "Why?"
I replied, "because she came to gym all tan and smelling like coconut tanning oil and it made me want to go tanning and now I look like a lobster and I hurt, while Little Miss Tanny Pants gets to be all cute!"
To which Charming Child replies, while laughing hysterically, "You're life is just one big joke!"
"My life is a big joke?"
"Yes, because you're funny, like a big joke."
"Umm okay, well goodnight, I love you!"
Note to Self:
While I appreciate the compliment that my life is one big joke, I must explain to Charming Child that others may not be as appreciative at the same compliment.