Friday, April 13, 2007

"Your life is just one big joke!"

I probably shouldn't tell you this, I don't want you to think this is going to be some extraordinary, wonderful post, but this post has been almost three days in the making now . . . Ummm, I think lazy would be the word to describe why it has taken so long!

Sooooo, every year around the end of Winter, beginning of Spring, I decide to join a tanning salon so that I don't stick out like a sore thumb in my house full of beautiful, dark olive (is dark olive even a color?) skinned Egyptians . . . actually it doesn't have anything to do with sticking out or not, I just want to be tan, OKAY??!! (I learned that technique from Charming Child . . . whenever you want to make a bold statement, or a meaningless apology, always end your sentence with "OKAY??!!") Well, this year was no exception, I joined the tanning salon sometime in January and have been all of about three times since then . . . I think lazy would be the word to describe why I have only gone three times!

Rewind to Tuesday of this week . . . Charming Child and I get to the gym (no, not where I work out, remember, lazy, but where Charming Child does gymnastics three days a week) and I sit next to my friend who smells so good, like coconut tanning oil . . . you know the kind that if you close your eyes you can almost imagine yourself lying on a beach sipping (or gulping) margaritas . . . so I ask her, "Did you go tanning?" She says, "yes." I think, "No fair, how come she isn't as lazy as me??!!" I then tell myself that I am going to make a concerted effort to go tanning atleast once before the next time I see her (because I'll be damned if she's going to get darker than me, OKAY??!!)

On Wednesday, I am able to slip out of the house without Charming Child (well, I actually didn't have to do much slipping because she just flat out DID NOT want to go grocery shopping. Oh Darn!) So, I drive myself right on over to the tanning salon, listened to the ever so sweet girl at the desk tell me, "oh, we haven't seen you for awhile," and I think, "That's okay because I am going to make up for it today." I go to my room where I have one of those fancy, extra strength stand up beds with the little handles you hold on to and I hop on in . . . EIGHT minutes of pure silence, relaxation, and serious tanning . . . All is well!!

Grocery shopping. Put groceries away. Have a conversation with Charming child about why her reading homework is not finished. TAKE A SHOWER . . . and oh my goodness, not only do I stand out even more in my house full of beautiful, dark olive skinned Egyptians, I resemble the next meal at Red Lobster more than I do a human!!!!!!!

Painful? Uh, yes! Every part of my body aches and burns, even my armpits that have probably never seen sun in my whole life until that day, because remember, I had a fancy stand up bed with handles!!

I'm okay, I will survive, I will take Ibuprofen, I will have a glass of wine, I will survive . . . and then in a few days, I'll be all tan, maybe even darker than my friend, Little Miss Tanny Pants!

Well, I wasn't okay (it hurt like hell), I did survive (but barely), I did take Ibuprofen (didn't help), I did drink a glass of wine (didn't help, but it was good), I am surviving!!!!

So, backing up a bit, after the shower, I went in to say goodnight to Charming Child and I showed her my lobster stomach and legs, she laughed, a lot and very hard, she's cute that way!!

I said, "I am so mad at So and So's Mom." (Which I really wasn't, but it's always easier to blame someone else, right?"
Charming Child said, "Why?"
I replied, "because she came to gym all tan and smelling like coconut tanning oil and it made me want to go tanning and now I look like a lobster and I hurt, while Little Miss Tanny Pants gets to be all cute!"
To which Charming Child replies, while laughing hysterically, "You're life is just one big joke!"

"My life is a big joke?"

"Yes, because you're funny, like a big joke."

"Umm okay, well goodnight, I love you!"

Note to Self:

Dear Self,

While I appreciate the compliment that my life is one big joke, I must explain to Charming Child that others may not be as appreciative at the same compliment.



ibeebarbie said...

Wow! Don't you feel loved and special?

I think perhaps you should bleach Charming Child's skin in the middle of her ever so peaceful slumber, and sit back and watch the expression on her face when she awakens to see how she now looks like Michael Jackson---without, of course, the bad nose job and hair. Doesn't that sound fun?

Ahhhhhh, but remember my friend, just as we are attracted to the beautifully olive skinned folks----they are just as attracted to our pearly white---almost opalescent skin.

Of course because the beautifully olive skinned folks teeth look whiter against their skin, we then invest in bleaching products in order to brightening our smile. Do you know how much bleach it requires to actually make your teeth whiter than your skin----LOTS! Now, that can't be good. But it doesn't matter as it's ALL about the look!

However, I'm just as guilty as you are about wanting to be a darker white...hehehehe Which by the way, after reading this post, I'm sure I'll run over to the tan place. Moreover, I find that 10 minutes or so in the tan bed brings me so much peace and solitude. So, I'm not certain if it's the tanning so much as it is the solitude I enjoy.

Now-when you really reflect back on all the effort it takes to darken your skin and brighten your teeth ---- how could you ever consider yourself lazy? For Lord knows you manage to find more to do in your day than just bleach and burn. ;-)

Mixed Up Me said...

Oh my goodness, you are killing me!! Although your idea to bleach Charming Child's skin sounds fun, 1)I don't EVER want to risk having her wake up from an ever so peaceful slumber, and 2) The name "Michael Jackson" is very, very bad in our house, as it conjures up images of a certain irritation, currently residing in my freezer!!!! You know what I'm talking about!

I never thought of the whole teeth bleaching thing . . . you already know all of the money I have spent on teeth bleaching, which is another extremely painful thing!! I guess that's another post in itself!

Love ya-

cofman said...

hi there,

Really enjoyed reading … really enjoyed it
First, when you talked about how long it took you to write it … I thought that was very interesting ..
The other thing which I find very cleverly done was the fact that the piece you wrote looked and felt sooo coherent to read, follow, and understand … I didn’t feel any change in mood, none whatsoever …. Great I reckon

But this one is just awesome; “ I learned that technique from Charming Child . . . whenever you want to make a bold statement, or a meaningless apology, always end your sentence with "OKAY??!!") ”
Well, I think I might use it myself if I remember it lol …. Very practical, soothing, and full with meanings

But this one is a knock out; “ did drink a glass of wine (didn't help, but it was good) ”
Wow .. you never lose with this strategy, do you ?.. loved it

Nice piece, enjoyed every line, and glad I clicked on your name for the first time

Hope to see you darker, and with whiter teeth in a couple of days

( btw, added ur page to my fav )

have fun


How old is Charming child? I am always wondering how old Kdog has to be in order to leave her...(not for days of course) just for a walk or a run to the gas station.

Mixed Up Me said...

She is 10 1/2, but I don't leave her by herself because I would like the house to still be standing when I return!! Grandma lives with us . . .Would you like to borrow her?! :)